In Defense of the Food Chain

I have a short list of things that I refuse to eat. This list is composed of items that I find detestable due to mostly emotional principals that border on hypocritical and are generally pathological. To make my point however, I will say that I love dogs. And so I cannot eat them. I love to eat chickens, but at no point in my life have I ever been emotionally involved with anything that could be remotely mistaken for poultry. In fact, it is my opinion that the vast majority of birds that are flying around in a murderous rage (And all birds, no exceptions, are flying around in a murderous rage) are hoping to be humanely murdered and consumed. I call this Manifest Destiny. You call it whatever you want.

I have no problem with vegetarians as a whole. I get it... You can get protein from beans and you see no reason to kill animals for your nutrition. Fine. Whatever. The thing is, beans taste a hell of a lot better when you add bacon to them. Have you ever tried tried to eat lentil stew without the aid of a pork or beef product? It's disgusting. I understand you have your principals but really, you're all missing out.

I have a friend who read a book once. I don't know much about this book, I think it was called Skinny Bitch, other than the fact that it is systematically destroying the food chain as we know it. Immediately after reading the book, she became a vegan. This means that not only did she eschew reason by remaining meat-free, she also vowed to stay away from delightful foods such as dairy, eggs and anything else that tasted good. I visited her apartment once. You know what she had in her fridge? Grapes. Grapes and one half of one cucumber. Curiously, she also had wine coolers, which I am pretty sure kill a dove every time you drink one.

Anyway, this nonsense went on for the better part of two years. She would occasionally break with this insane lifestyle and consume a piece of cheese pizza. Every time, though, she felt guilty. (I want to break away here and make a point. Cows must be milked. If they are not milked regularly, they become ill. Same with chickens. They lay eggs. Naturally. It is what they do. Therefore, I see absolutely no reason why a sane, self-possessed person would avoid cheese or milk or butter or any other dairy product. But then again, I see no reason why a sane, self-possessed person would avoid beef, pork or roasted quail stuffed with sausage and sage, so maybe I am not the right person to ask.) This all ended one fateful night at a little place called Ketchup. I will say one thing about this restaurant and that is that Ketchup's menu is delightfully skewed with an interest toward the carnivore. I realize that technically, humans are omnivores but I do not consider a meal complete without a large hunk of meat that was never any part of a soybean plant. However, if you were to offer me a steak with a side of shrimp, accompanied by a sauce made of chicken, I would consider that to be a balanced meal and would only question the lack of vegetable if I was still hungry when I was finished eating.

So, my friend, we'll call her Erin because that is what is on her birth certificate, finally came back to the world of the living. She ordered a pork chop. And she ate the whole thing. Her body did not instantly convulse upon her consumption of said pork chop, she did not drop dead at the table. In fact, if my memory serves me, we went on to an art show and then a night of excessive consumption of alcohol. If she did throw up that night, I assure you it had nothing to do with the pig. As far as I know, Erin is still leading a happy, omnivorous life. She does live in Richmond, so it is possible that those whack jobs down there are trying to reconvert her but the point is, she was happy, for a time, as a meat consumer. And in this way, we complete the circle of life.

I want to make one final point (for this post, anyway) about consuming animals. There is this concept flying around out there that force feeding animals is cruel. I can see why you might think that, but join me, for a moment, in considering the following. Humans force feed themselves and their children every day. How many times have you been out at a restaurant and heard "Come on, Timmy. Three more bites."? And you, you who won't eat foie gras or veal, what did you do last Thanksgiving? Did you say, "Well, I've just had a regular portion of meat and eight kinds of side dishes. I think I'll go ahead and put my plate away." Did you? No. You said, "I may have just eaten my body weight in turkey and mashed potatoes, but somebody's gotta eat that corn pudding and green bean casserole. That somebody might as well be me." My point, as convoluted as it may be, is that maybe, just maybe, those overfed geese are just as happy as your average adult American male after his third plateful of food on Christmas. And just think, they get to be that happy every day.