The Academy

So, listen, I know I've been terribly absent and neglectful. I know everyone expected that after making the grand proclamation that I would cease the consumption of fast food, I would have something entertaining to write about. And I would have. Except I didn't.

The truth is, I haven't really missed fast food. There haven't been any insane cravings for tacos dipped in gravy or fried chicken basted with taco sauce. (Although, that sounds great, doesn't it?) I haven't really thought too much about fast food since so heroically claiming that I would not eat it anymore. Plus, I bought a bunch of Lean Pockets the other day, so whenever I crave something sub par and less than food, I pop one of those in the old microwave and two minutes later... Voila! Hot crap in a wrapper! The miracle of modern crisping sleeve technology has really brought down standards and expectations. I'm sorry, loyal readers. I will try to do better.

The good news is, I started school today. (No standing ovation needed. Sit down guys. No, really, it's okay. It was only my first day. You can applaud later. When I graduate. IF I graduate.) If nothing else, my incredibly expensive culinary education promises to bring entertaining fodder for the blog. This is not to say that I met anyone particularly insane today. Which is really too bad. I was hoping to have one hilarious story involving someone sado-masochistic or, in the very least, angry and homicidal. Nothing yet, but I promise to keep my ears and eyes peeled.

The truth is, today was pretty much like every other first day of school (FDOS, for those of you not in the know.) I've ever bothered to be a party to, with the exception of a few "You're all adults, you can make your own decisions" peppered throughout the mundane and bombastic presentation of policies and procedures. Like every other FDOS, it probably could have been condensed into half the time, and we could have been left to our own devices or, God forbid, some actual culinary instruction for the second half of the day. But alas, we, as a society, must compensate for those morons among us that insist upon asking seven hundred questions about every topic that is presented. Morons like, well, me.

Yeah. I guess I'm going to be that guy. Girl. Whatever. It's no different than high school, where, when I bothered to show up, I asked interesting and engaging questions that made the entire class moan out of hatred for my sharp intellect and keen sense of nuance. Except, rather than allowing the taxpayers of this great nation to foot the bill for my ill- spent high school time, I'm paying for it myself (Sort of. Taxpayers are footing the initial bill. Thanks. But I'm paying it back soon.). So I intend to ask even more questions than before. They might even be intelligent, answer- seeking questions like they were today. This is either going to make my classmates hate me, which is, like, whatever, I guess, or it is going to make me the Yoda of L'academie de Cuisine Culinary Arts Class of 2010. I've never seen the movie, but I get the impression that being Yoda is a lot of responsibility, so I don't know which outcome I am rooting for. I'm used to people disliking me. Looking up to me, on the other hand, is really only something I expect of people with very little to entertain them and some of the lesser insects. Either way, it has already elicited a reaction from my chef instructor, who we will refer to here only as Chef (at least until I get permission to exploit him via the Internet.). I asked one of my twenty questions of the day and his response was "Are you in Culinary Arts or Pastry?". My answer was, of course, "Culinary, Chef." His reaction? A very firm, rather pronounced "Excellent." I'm not sure whether I should take that as an affirmation that he is actually pleased to have found me in his class or if it would be in my best interest to ask for a swift transfer to the pastry arts program. Only time will tell, I suppose.

One of the best things about today? Getting my things. My wonderful, beautiful things. I love my things. A brief list of my awesome new things follows below:

1.) The book: On Cooking, A Textbook of Culinary Fundamentals; Fourth Edition. A mere 1406 pages of culinary information that I get the impression I am expected to take as either a latent wealth of knowledge I am not actually expected to utilize to it's full potential or a bunch of culinary fluff that any moron off the street could notice and actualize into a book that weighs nearly ten pounds.
2.) Four top of the line, embroidered (WITH MY NAME), classic chef's jackets. Think Top Chef style, except better because they belong to me me ME! All of them are entirely too big, but that problem will be fixed by Monday with the help of a tailor and over $120 worth of cutting and sewing.
3.) Three incredibly annoying neckerchiefs with the purported purpose of 1) keeping sweat out of innocent people's food and 2) reducing the possibility of me catching the flu in the walk in freezer. I don't know under what conditions, medically speaking, one catches the flu, but the two and half centimeter knot at my throat seems an unlikely barrier to H1N1.
4.) Checked pants. Approximately 17 inches too long, referred to by aforementioned tailor as "pajama pants," hideous. However, they do feature an elastic waistband, which I imagine will come in handy in the coming months.
5.) KNIVES. Beautiful, sharp, Mercer knives. I would be so lucky as to sever my pinkie with one of these beautiful works of art. I have a diamond-encrusted wand with which to sharpen and hone said knives as well as a chef's scissor, sharpener, microplane, vegetable peeler and random blue pocket meat thermometer. But mostly, so far, if all I get out of this is knives, it was mostly worth it.

All in all, a quality day. I have a good feeling about the next twelve months. Tomorrow, we learn French Onion Soup. That and a bunch of other crap, like how to cut vegetables. My syllabus is chock full of words I don't understand, so you'll have to bear with me as I learn all this myself. In the meantime, go eat a Hot Pocket. It might be the last one you want for a long time.