Getting Sauced

I would like to state, for the record, that henceforth, under no circumstances, will I eat the yellow version of any candy. I know I recently wrote, rather smugly, about the short list of foods I won't eat. Please add "yellow candy" to the list including dogs and monkeys. This includes the yellow section of candy corns, yellow gummy bears and yellow starbursts. And all other yellow candy, excluding pineapple flavored Mambas.

Now that we've got that out of the way, let's talk about school. My suspicions that I am porktose intolerant have been confirmed beyond any shadow of a doubt. There is a hint of hope that I might be allergic to antibiotics that are fed to pigs prior to them becoming pork. This is unlikely but leaves me an out in the event that I decide I can't live without pork chops any time soon. I'll just buy free range, organic, grass-fed, kosher pork. Which kind of defeats the purpose of pork chops, which is that they are supposed to be cheap.

And while we're on the subject of free-range organic food, I'd like to make a request. If you insist upon eating only organic and all natural food, don't be a smug asshole about it. And! Do your research. USDA regulations and guidelines pertaining to all-natural and organic food are not as stringent as you may think. A chicken needs only 2 square feet of living space to be considered free range. I don't know how that chicken is any happier than a chicken with the standard amount of space, but then again, I refuse to abide the concept that poultry has emotions. ALSO! Don't be a smug asshole about eating this kind of food and then proceed to discuss your devotion to Domino's pizza. It makes you look like a smug asshole hypocrite.

So, believe it or not, I am halfway through Phase One of the culinary arts program. HALFWAY! Everyone said that it would go by quickly, but I had no idea. It seems like just days ago, we were poaching meringue and now we're turning it into cookies! Yeah, we've come that far. I'll be honest, I will never understand the French culinary proclivity to combine egg whites and sugar but we have learned about 700 different things to do with it. It's not just for lemon pie anymore! Also, we've made about 60 different sauces because literally everything and I mean everything in French culinary school comes with its very own sauce. There are mother sauces, pan sauces, derivative sauces, desert sauces. If it is food, it has a sauce. This more or less means that I am in my own personal heaven considering my adoration of food augmentation.

And to be perfectly honest, though I will probably regret this statement or look back and laugh at myself for it, this is all pretty freaking easy. Everything except filleting a fish. That is a huge, messy, slightly smelly pain in the ass. Well, not as big of a pain in the ass as yellow candy, or being porktose intolerant, but a pain in the ass nonetheless.