Double Homicide

We're murderers. Every single last one of us. Well, maybe we aren't yet, but we most certainly will be. All it takes is one bad shipment of improperly frozen fish and KABOOM! You've killed one of your loyal customers. Or, you've killed 139 of them. In cold blood. Cold blood, I say! And, if you're not too busy killing innocent people, you've got to use any extra time to kill innocent germs. I don't know if I can go through with this.

Wednesday and Thursday of this week were devoted to what was described on our syllabus as "Sanitation." What they should have called it was "Germ Identification, Eradication and Ultimate Germ Warfare Failure Training." I have been waging a war on my hands and their suppleness ever since this training in the science of germ murder began. What they don't tell you on the bottles of antibacterial soap is that it kills practically no bacteria at all, in comparison to what you need to kill in order to stay alive. It is a fucking miracle that we're all still alive, wandering around covered in bacteria, viruses, parasites, you name it. If it's on your hands, it's probably trying to kill you and everyone you love.

And the worst part is, you can't even see it. It's all just there, procreating, wiggling around, being the shape of a cephalopod, gaining access to your internal organs every time you scratch your eye. Our bodies are engaged in constant battle every single day, all day. And that's just in the case of normal, every day murderous germs. This is to say nothing of the kinds of disease and infection you can receive from food that has been improperly handled.

As I discovered through this incredibly thorough ServSafe training, the back of the house is a breeding ground for the insipid pathogens. You're just one step away from permanent paralysis at any second. The wrong person sneezes... Surprise! You have Hepatitis A! Oh, you only cooked the pork to 154 degrees? NOW YOU'RE GOING TO DIE. Or worse, your customer will die, which is more likely in the case of the undercooked pork as in all likelihood, they will contract a parasite that will set up shop in the middle of their brain and excrete poisonous gasses and kill them in two hours. Or maybe it takes two months, I can't remember. Either way, brain surgery for a pork chop doesn't seem a fair trade.

Of course, I don't mean to startle you. There are ways to avoid the death that seems so likely to visit us at any moment. Really, all it takes is common sense. It seems the skin is the main vehicle for germs. So, you could have that removed. An alternative to that is cooking the food to the proper temperature. You also want to make sure that you receive shipments at the proper temperature, get them out of harm's way as soon as humanly possible, and you'll want to disinfect all poultry with Purell before serving it to guests. Also, washing your hands obsessively is a good step in the right direction, though you will want to take care not to wind up like me. I have calluses from the nail brush. But I'm also pretty sure my hands are clean.

The training took sixteen hours. But I am pretty sure that what I have learned will stay with me for sixteen years. If you should find yourself with extra time on your hands today, google "food borne illnesses." Or, actually, don't. Not if you want to ever want to eat out again.